A Satirical Comparison of Bad Habits

or
Why I Pick My Nose

People keep asking me why I pick my nose. Actually, this is my own personal business that shouldn't require any vindication on my part. I resent others poking their noses into my affairs. When others tell me that I shouldn't pick my nose, I ask for a plausible reason and get the same old responses every time. "It's bad manners" or "It's impolite." I ask why my actions should be dictated by what others think?

Occasionally, someone will attempt to give a legitimate reason. They say, "It is not hygienic and enlarges the nostrils." Then they add, "How can you teach your children not to pick their noses if you do it yourself?"

Please allow me to answer once for all. I have been picking my nose since childhood and am perfectly healthy. Blowing your nose into a handkerchief and sticking it in your pocket is certainly not as sanitary or efficient as using a finger and simply flicking the mucus onto the ground. My nostrils may be slightly enlarged, but it helps me breathe. Besides, many who don't pick their noses have larger nostrils than mine. I would never forbid my children to pick their noses. I leave the matter up to their own discretion and wouldn't want them to do it behind my back.

One gentleman once made a remark that caused me to seriously consider quitting. He stated flatly, "Your nose-picking habit is very offensive to me." Now I am a conscientious person, so his remark left me quite disturbed. Then I hit on a good solution. In places where others might be offended by nose-picking, folks could post signs reading, "NO NOSE-PICKING!" Austrian passenger trains have smoking and non-smoking compartments. It should be feasible to make railroad cars with four compartments. There are smoking nose-pickers, non-smoking nose-pickers, smoking non-nose-pickers and non-smoking-non-nose-pickers.

That brings me to a matter that really bugs me. Because I object to people smoking and drinking, I am called a religious fanatic, yet if I pick my nose, I am treated as the off-scouring of society. Worst of all, no one can explain what is so terribly wrong with nose-picking. Nose-picking doesn't cost a cent and has no harmful side effects. I have never heard of anyone getting drunk and causing an accident from picking their nose. And you won't get cancer or burn a hole in the rug from picking your nose. I am not a chain-picker and only pick my nose a few times a day. I can quit any time I want.

I yearn for the day when nose-picking becomes socially acceptable. At concerts, conferences and in the workplace there will be nose-picking pauses and mucus trays will be placed on the tables in restaurants, in waiting rooms, train stations and other public places. You will be able to recognize an experienced nose-picker by the manner in which he holds his finger when flicking off the mucus. When that day comes, there will probably be some oddball out there who will object. You just can't please everyone!

Somewhere I recall reading an old adage that goes something like this: "Thou hypocrite! Remove first the weed between thine own lips; then willst thou be enabled to help thy brother whose finger is in his nose."

Y. Donchakwit